Miraculously, my kids might finally start hybrid schooling next week. Their range of emotions about it reflects how much they've matured in 13 months at home—more than they would have during business as usual. They're mostly excited, reasonably apprehensive about the logistics and safety, and a little anxious about some of the social aspects of reentry. In part because we've limited their social gatherings to very small groups, their social circles have changed during quarantine, and a few friendships have suffered collateral damage.
This is not unusual for 11 and 13 year olds. But my younger daughter's particular concern surprises me. It's not about how to reestablish connections and navigate group dynamics, but rather how to keep at bay a friendship she was ready to retire. When they were still in school, Rosie didn't have the tools to move on from a toxic relationship. But when she had the space to do so, she made thoughtful decisions about whom to surround herself with. So what happens now?
I'm finding it tough territory to tackle, as a parent, and not because I can't relate. My closest friendships have evolved this year, too. Beyond my family, there are few people I rely on, and there will be even fewer post-pandemic. It takes a lot of love and effort to stay close to people we can't see, and that work has to be reciprocal. Heading back toward some semblance of a social life is an opportunity to evaluate which connections are worth reestablishing and which I feel healthier without. It's not easy. Even as an adult, I struggle to accept it when I've outgrown someone.
Adult relationships are more nuanced, so I don't know how to counsel Rosie to graciously move away from someone who doesn't make her feel good or be her best self. It's clear to both of us that she shouldn't get drawn back in. But I don't want to say negative things about the other child. I don't want to encourage excluding her or even to recommend avoiding her. So what's the right advice? Write to me at andrea@time.com. Or just write to me about whatever's on your mind.
Best, Andrea
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